Parthenogenetic

Vaccine helps prevent HIV infection

2009-09-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

This doesn't have anything to do with art or entertainment, but this was far too amazing to not say something about. There's finally a vaccine that can help prevent HIV infection.

It may cut the risk of being infected by 31%. That doesn't sound like much, but when you consider that this is the first vaccine to be at all effective this is huge. Now that they've found something that works, they can start to isolate why it works and, hopefully, create something even more effective.

Instead of killing millions across the world, we might actually see HIV put into the same category as smallpox in our lifetimes. Let's hope.

Can It Hurt Hollywood Careers to Play Gay?

2009-09-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

In 1993, Will Smith starred as a gay con artist in the film adaptation of Six Degrees of Separation, but when it came time for him to lock lips with Anthony Michael Hall he refused. They had to handle the same sex kiss through trick camera angles, so that the fact that the two men weren't actually kissing would be hidden. Why would he agree to take on the role of a gay man and then bizarrely refuse such a minor concession to the role?

Denzel Washington had apparently told him that kissing another man on screen would tarnish his "hetero" image and ruin his career.

It's hard to believe it could have hurt someone who is now one of the hugest movie stars ever, but at the time it was Smith's first big-screen role and the short story that would become Brokeback Mountain had yet to even be written. Maybe he was right to be cautious, but is it still a concern?

Flash-forward 12 years to 2005. Rami Malek, pictured right, has his first significant role as Kenny Al-Bahir, a flamboyantly gay, closeted teenager, on the Fox sitcom The War at Home. Like Smith, he was a minority actor portraying a gay man. Unlike Smith, he didn't already have a lengthy television and music career behind him. It was a move that could typecast someone so fresh on the scene.

And after The War at Home was canceled, he disappeared from film and television for two years. Maybe all any casting agent saw when they looked at him was flaming Kenny. Maybe he just didn't have what it took to survive in Hollywood.

But, no. In 2009 he showed up again. Aside from appearing in the sequel to Night at the Museum this year, he was also cast in 24 as an Arab American would-be suicide bomber. And in 2010 he'll be popping up again as a Marine in the WWII epic miniseries The Pacific:

The pair of roles are about as macho as one can get without just spraying the set down with testosterone. Clearly, his "hetero" image hasn't been hurt onscreen at all.

But, before we get too congratulatory about how far we've come, there's one more thing to consider. One more thing that Rami Malek has in common with Will Smith. Despite how racy The War at Home was, Kenny never got to kiss a boy onscreen.

So maybe, sadly, things haven't changed nearly as much as we think.

"On a Bruised Road" Is Pepper Espinoza's Best Yet

2009-09-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, I picked up a novel about a girl falling in love with a ghost. It was an interesting premise, but I was disappointed quickly as it turned out the boy wasn't really a ghost. He was simply disembodied while in a coma and the story ended with an all too predictable awakening and true love was found.

On a Bruised Road is about a ghost, too. There is very little predictable about it.

Edwin Masters has been obsessed with a car for decades, a 1962 Alfa Romeo Spider 2600. It's not the type of vehicle car buffs obsess over, but Edwin isn't himself a car buff. His reasons for wanting that particular car aren't revealed right away, but from the moment he slips behind the wheel of the one he's buying his life will never be the same again.

Why? Because decades before, the very year that Edwin was born, Cooper James died in that car. And he never left it.

So it seems like it's the setup for a tragic story of love across the boundaries of life and death and, yes, there are most definitely tragic moments. It also manages to be terrifying, hilarious and downright philosophical.

As Cooper is beginning to ever so delicately worm his way into Edwin's life, another man is entering it. Carson Heston is a much younger man--26 to Edwin's 47--but the two share a connection from the beginning that Espinoza captures beautifully.

As the story continues, Edwin is torn between Carson and Cooper. It's not a typical love triangle, though. One man draws him towards his future, the other his past. One offers hope and redemption, the other obsession and the ultimate of escapes.

The book could have copped out at a number of points, but it never does. It makes for a great romance, but as a novel about one man's struggles with accepting his own past and the uncertainty of the future it is phenominal.

On a Bruised Road is available for download at Loose Id.

An Invitation to the Palace: A Parable

2009-08-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a man named Joshua who, using the fantastic technology of that time and place, created a planet. Many books were written about him, but he had retreated into his own beautiful palace and had not been seen in person in many years.

One day Matt and Paul, ardent followers of the books on Joshua, went out into their city in search of people to bring to the palace. The first house they stopped at was that of a young man named Tom.

"How can I help you?" asked Tom.

Matt spoke first. "We're here to teach people about the things that Joshua has done and invite them to live in his palace with him."

"Wow! That sounds too good to be true. Please, come in." Tom ushered his guests into his own humble house, then sat to listen to what they had to say.

"Many, many years ago, Joshua laid down laws that everyone had to abide by, but if you accept him as the creator of our world and humbly ask for his forgiveness, you won't be punished for breaking these laws," Paul explained.

"That's very generous of him," Tom said, quite awed. "And what's the punishment for breaking these laws?"

"Death," said Matt.

That gave Tom pause, as he considered what laws he might have broken in his life. "And what might these laws be?"

"He is the creator of our planet," Paul said.

Well, that sounds more like a statement than a law, but it was reasonable, Tom decided. He agreed with it immediately.

"You should have no other creators before him," Matt went on. "Be good to your parents. Don't kill. Don't cheat on your spouse. Don't steal. Don't lie. Don't covet another man's wife or his property."

"That all sounds great. Those are laws that I'd like to follow," Tom said. "Though I have lied, and have wanted things that belonged to other people, and I haven't always been good to my parents. But, if Joshua is such a generous man, I should ask for forgiveness for those things right now and strive to be more like him."

Paul piped up. "Oh, and also, death to all redheads."

Tom was himself a redhead and looked horrified. "Excuse me?"

"Well, that isn't actually something Joshua ever said. But people who've spoken to Joshua said that he probably wanted to kill redheads and just never got around to saying so," Matt explained.

"But...but I was born this way!" Tom sputtered. "I can't help it."

"You could dye your hair," Matt pointed out.

"That doesn't change the fact that my hair is naturally red. It just covers it up!"

"No one's hair is naturally red," Paul said. "The first people on Joshua's planet were both brunettes. That was his plan to start with. So everyone is born from normal, brown-haired people. Nobody could have been born with redhair."

Tom scratched his head, confused by this logic. "That isn't how genetics works. There are recessive genes and all sorts of factors wrapped up in who we are. Besides, if I dyed my hair and got married, I'd be a redhead having children."

"No, you'd have brown-hair," Paul insisted.

"But it would be red under the dye!"

"But hair can't naturally be red."

Tom stared at Paul for a long, long moment, wondering if perhaps he was insane. "Alright. Well. Going to a palace is better than being killed, so I suppose I could dye my hair brown. What happens at the palace?"

"Joshua is able to make anyone in his palace live forever, and you'll stay there for eternity in perfect peace," Matt said, his eyes shining.

"Immortality! That's amazing. But what about the good people who don't break the law, but never heard about this invitation?" Tom asked.

"They'll be killed," said Paul.

"What?" demanded Tom. "Why? They didn't break any laws!"

"The only way to not be killed is to do as Joshua says. He says you have to ask him for forgiveness," Matt said.

"But that's horrible! I thought this Joshua was a generous person."

Paul nodded eagerly. "He is, he is! It used to be that everyone was killed. Now he's giving out this invitation. Isn't that wonderful?"

"But...isn't he the one who condemned people to death?" Tom asked.

"Of course," said Matt.

"He has mercifully offered us this escape, though," added Paul.

Tom thought for a long moment, trying to make sense of this. "But...why not just stop killing people, if he wanted to be merciful?"

"He couldn't do that. He had to punish the people who broke his laws," Matt said.

"And redheads," added Paul.

"But you said that if you ask for his forgiveness you're not being punished, no matter what laws you broke," cried Tom.

"I know. Isn't he wonderful?" asked Matt rhetorically.

"And you said that even if you didn't break any of those laws, Joshua would still kill you."

"That's right," agreed Paul.

"Why is he doing all of this?" demanded Tom, quite upset now.

Matt answered. "Because he loves this planet and all of the people on it so much, he wants to invite them all into his palace. Even the worst murderer will be brought in, if he asks for forgiveness. Otherwise everyone deserves to die."

"Killing people isn't a sign of love," Tom said flatly.

"He asks such a small thing of you, Tom. All he wants is that you stop breaking the law and ask for his forgiveness. Even if you break the law again, you can just ask for his forgiveness again. It's a lifelong get out of jail free card. Isn't that wonderful?" Matt asked.

"And he wants you to dye your hair," added Paul.

"If he is truly such a great man and loves us, I can't believe the hate and violence you people are preaching," Tom told them, getting up to usher them out of his house.

Once the door had been shut behind them, Matt shook his head, sighing sadly. "I hate to see someone rejecting Joshua's love like that."

Oh, AFP, how I love you

2008-12-24T09:45:00.000-08:00

That would be Amanda Fucking Palmer, of course:

If I were Warner, I'd be worried about having pissed her off by pulling all of her official videos. That woman sits around thinking of bizarre and elaborate scenarios of vengeance for fun.

So Warner, flailing like crack-addled monkeys, has decided to pull all of the videos of all of their artists, as they're seeking more money from Google. The artists aren't going to get any revenue from this, so it's not as though they have any incentive for backing the label. It's just further stumblings of a dying breed.

Prop 8, the Musical

2008-12-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

I'm currently dying of the flu and not quite coherent enough to finish my review of The Killers' Day and Age. Until then, I give you this gem I just found on Darren Hayes' blog:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

As if I needed any more reasons to love Neil Patrick Harris.

Never Challenge Me on NyQuil

2008-12-01T18:01:00.000-08:00

Someone recently said that women cannot crossdress, because it's socially acceptable for women to wear male clothing and so they can't "present" as male.

I beg to differ:

(There's only one genetic male in the set. Following the source links will tell you who's who.)
Picture sources: 1. el_pachuco, 2. photoenvy, 3. emilymills, 4. cgphotoart, 5. bobonemillion, 6. ginthefer, 7. dawnone, 8. dawnone, 9. gaelx, 10. joshuarothhaas, 11. mavra_chang, 12. ginthefer

Paleolistening: "Tainted Love", by Coil

2008-11-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

While I normally focus on newer music, there's always something to discover from the past. Paleolistening is a new category of review I'll be doing here, focusing on music twenty years or older.

The song "Tainted Love" has always been one of those unspeakably cheesy old songs that occasionally comes up on the radio, or gets covered by Marilyn Manson. While I'd always liked the lyrics, I could never get past the obnoxiously bouncy sound to it. Even MM didn't do a thing about how goofy it was. Adding some base and slowing it down slightly didn't alter the thick, gooey cheese of the song itself.

Somebody, somewhere, found a way to turn that cheese to gold, though:

The experimental British band Coil came out with this cover of Ed Cobbs' composition in 1985 and it was the very first AIDS benefit music release. All profits from the sale of this single were donated to the Terrence Higgins Trust.

This re-imagining of a broken heart as a broken body, viewing the song through the lens of the AIDS crisis is absolutely brilliant. It's so slow, intense and absolutely relentless. This isn't a feel-good song, but one that drags you down to its miserable level. Instead of those obnoxious Casio poundings from the more familiar Soft Cell cover, an orchestra hammers the listener like blows to the heart. Finally, those lyrics that were always the best part of the song are given the treatment they deserve. The video only enhances the atmosphere created by the song, giving it an almost mythological feel as it lingers over images of a hospital room, slowly drizzling honey, and captured flies. This is one of those rare videos that needs to be watched again and again to really catch all of the fabulous little details, like a fine piece of art.

Fan Freakouts

2008-11-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

It always amuses me that no matter what positive things I might post here, the entries that have some edge of sarcasm or negativity to them are always the ones that get comments. Sometimes months or even a year later. While a nice little "hey, this is a great video" will slide down the gullet of the average fan like ambrosia, some gentle criticism of their idols will make fans react as though I just fucked their mother with a twelve inch strap-on dildo in front of the Statue of Liberty while Japanese tourists captured the video on their cellphones, then uploaded it to YouTube.

This one, especially, amuses me. A year goes by without comment and now suddenly people are getting all offended on Brandon's behalf. Well, I like Brandon Flowers a lot, and I love the Killers' music, but really? Fuck him. He's in the public sphere, tossing out his opinion. Sometimes people are going to disagree with his opinion. I suppose if I was famous I could trust my legions of psychotic fans to run around leaving poorly written comments on people's blogs for criticizing my stupid opinions, too (and I have a lot of them).

The constant claims of me being a homophobe because of this entry still make me laugh, nine months after the last idiotic comment. Yes, the queer themed blog is being written by a homophobe, and this is obvious because I mock a rockstar for exploiting his own supposed bisexuality. I'm sure any day now enraged Katy Perry fans will come along to tell me she really is a dyke.

I'd like to think that this sort of idiocy is the result of twelve year olds with too much time on their hands, but I know that isn't true. The other day I overheard a friend of mine--a friend in her thirties--telling a younger friend which online communities to avoid, so as to stay away from people who maybe just might say something negative about the Twilight movie.

What coddled, speshul snowflakes we are, that we can't handle hearing criticism. It's not even criticism of ourselves, but of complete strangers that we've chosen to identify with! Maybe that's why people leave these comments, assuming I'll be as shattered by criticism as they are. I guess it would disappoint them to find out that every single nasty comment I get makes me laugh like a loon and share it proudly with my friends.

"Strip me of my rights and I interrupt you. Who's really suffering here?"

2008-11-20T08:54:00.000-08:00

Dan Savage, writer of the Savage Love advice column, has come out swinging against the passing of Proposition 8 in California this past Election Day. One of my favorite moments with him recently was when he completely pwned Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, on Anderson Cooper 360:

And it's not many men who can break Stephen Colbert, but Savage did it:

Those interested in doing more for same sex marriage rights should go to Join the Impact.

Are we human?

2008-11-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

So the new Killers video came out a few weeks ago, "Human," and I've been too busy to actually get around to writing about it here. Shocking, considering last year I would've jumped at the chance to write about Brandon Flowers' new shoes! I suppose I've gotten a little burned out on the band, though. I still love them, of course, but there's too much in the real world pulling me away from music.

For those who've missed it, you can catch the whole video over on YouTube, though embedding has been disabled.

So what do I think? Well, it sounds a lot like the first album, Hot Fuss. Slap some guyliner on Brandon and it'd be hard to not assume it was from the Mr. Brightside days. The difference, however, is that it has a more longing sound to it than the first album. The angst is a bit more mellow and it doesn't have any real passion. Not necessarily a bad thing, since sometimes you don't want to listen to stuff as driving as, say, "Andy, You're a Star", but it's noticeably mellowed.

It's got me pretty hopeful about what the third album is going to sound like. Here are the lyrics:

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes
Clear your heart...
Cut the cord

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers

You've got to let me know

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human
Or are we dancer?

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

Are we human
Or are we dancer?

Yama-yamaha

2008-08-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

Behold, the video for Savlonic's Electro Gypsy.

It's stuff like this that makes me happy to be alive.

I Kissed a Girl, Max Vernon Style

2008-08-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

Being relatively disgusted in general with the commodification of homosexuality, I've made it a point to avoid Katy Perry's Song I Kissed a Girl. The far superior Jill Sobule song by the same name was all the musical lesbian experimentation I needed. It struck me as the musical equivalent of drunken girls making out with each other to get the attention of guys. Teehee, aren't we crazy? Look, we'll grope each other if you'll look at us!

But then, I heard Max Vernon's version.

My God, this is sheer genius.

You, sir, rock.

More Doctors Smoke Camels Than Any Other Cigarette

2008-07-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

Of all the things YouTube is good for, one of my favorites is old commercials. This one is from 1949:

Sing to Me

2008-07-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

Rereading what I wrote about Darren Hayes's Time Machine Tour DVD, my review really doesn't do it justice. It's just...awesome. Of course, if you don't already love Darren, it might not be that special and it'd be hard to understand why I'm so excited over some weird Australian guy and his giant origami crane. To aid in understanding the love, I put together a little video blog to chart my love affair with Darren.

It begins in 1997. I'm sixteen. The Internet is a wild and lawless place, ruled by mighty geeks. The first grunts of l33t speak are being made. This is where I spend the majority of my time. I don't watch much TV at home, but my cousins Aimee and Lori are watching videos when I happen across this:

Now, I already have weakness for dark-haired, pale-skinned girl-y boys, so Darren Hayes looking his darkest-haired-palest-skinned-girliest-boyest wins me over instantly. I have no idea what a "chica cherry cola" is (surely, this is some exotic Australian saying, used to describe extreme sexiness!), but I don't care. The only way he could possibly appeal to my preferences more is if he put on eyeliner and took a shower in the video.

The next video from Savage Garden that I see is a bit more soulful, though. "I Want You" was about simple desire, and that's what it evoked. This, though, brought deeper feelings. Yes, it was love.

[Sony BMG likes to deprive us, so I can't embed the video. Just watch it here.]

So for the next three years, as any sappy teenage girl in my generation should, I adore Savage Garden. Then, I start drifting off towards a different sound and wearing less pink. I lose track of the band and am only vaguely aware when they break up.

At some point, I happen to see the video for Insatiable, which is a nice song, but just not the sort of thing I'm listening to at the time. Besides, his hair is blond.

So, years pass. A girl in one of the role-playing games I play uses Darren Hayes as the avatar for one of her characters, and I appreciate the visual eye candy, but am totally oblivious to his continuing career. As far as I know, he's stopped producing music entirely. In the summer of 2006, I hear he's come out of the closet and married his boyfriend. Good for him, I think, and not much of a surprise, but don't think any more of it.

A year later, though, I'm getting back into role-playing and that girl who used the pictures of Darren (Hi Nicole!) is highly aware of his current career. After I express my purely shallow interest in his looks, she sends me links to a few videos from his solo career.

Starting with this one.

And all of a sudden, I'm sixteen again, swooning over sweet and sappy music. Chances are if he wrote the song for any specific person, he wrote it for the man he ended up marrying, which just makes it all the sweeter.

It's not entirely smooth sailing, however. Before I'm won over completely, first I have to deal with a few bumps in the road. I hear his falsetto:

At first, I'm a bit...stunned and disturbed by the video. Actually, I think my initial response was a hearty W. T. F. and I jumped back from the computer. But, it grows on me, like a fungus or tumor. It's silly and over the top and delightfully playing with all of these images from the 1980s. Sure, it's a little dorky and just the sort of thing you don't want to publicly admit to liking, but...I do. I really, really do, and I dive into his latest album like a starving woman into a swimming pool of pudding.

I actually find that I like his solo stuff more than I'd ever liked Savage Garden. The electronic elements and darkness he brings to the table now really help, and the sad songs or ones drenched in nostalgia get to me. Like this one:

And while the video is kind of weird, the song "Casey" is probably one of my most favorite songs in the world. This song alone would be enough to get Darren my undying loyalty as a fan. It perfectly captures what it had felt like to be a teen and longing to get away, and fearing being left behind. Whenever I listen to it, I can close my eyes and I'm back in Boulder City, driving around in Lori's white Ford Falcon. We're singing along to a mix tape, driving by all of those fancy houses overlooking the golf course, or down by the corrals. There's the hum of cicadas in the air and even if the sun's gone down, the heat of the day is still lingering. We're driving and talking and wishing for someday.

So, I suppose this is why I love the tour DVD quite so much. Some bands, I listen to and I like immediately. They're tucked away on my playlist somewhere, to add to the soundtrack of my life. Some grow on me with time, and when the mood is right I might care to listen. Darren's music has been more like an eleven year seduction, the world's slowest courtship. It came on me slowly, but it culminated in a rich and complex appreciation. Not to mention a whole hell of a lot of nostalgia.

Through the Nearest Wormhole

2008-07-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my incredible connections and the fact that I'm a world famous blogger, I managed to get my hands on Darren's Hayes' Time Machine Tour DVD early. [Okay, I just ordered the special edition which came out before the standard one, but I still got to watch it before most people, so nyah.]

On the first day I got it, I watched it twice, back to back, and could have watched it again that night, easily. Keep in mind that it was only a few months ago that I discovered his solo career at all. The first time I watched the video for Me Myself and [I] I actually recoiled from the computer in horror. Somehow, this album managed to win me over beyond all expectations.

Watching the tour, though, was even better than the album. One of the things I've found I really like about Darren is that he never does anything twice. Live performances aren't just rehashes of what's on the album. He tweaks it, he plays with it, he changes words, he goes from electronica to acoustic and back again.

In an interview, he mentioned that he actually lost money on this tour, because he spent so much on the stage. I can believe it, because this thing looks like some sort of crazy steampunk Broadway show. There's a gigantic bridge across the stage and at one point the backdrop unfolds itself into an origami crane which has to be around fifteen feet tall. Yes, I'm serious. He said he did it because he wanted to and knew going in he'd probably lose money. He did it anyway, because it was the tour he'd dreamed of, which just makes it so much cooler.

I've never bought a concert DVD before, since I prefer to see my live music, you know, live, but since the tour was over by the time I would have been willing to see him live and it was an ocean away anyway... well, it was definitely worth it to shell out the money for the DVD. Watching it on the big screen wasn't quite the experience of seeing it in person, but it was fabulous all the same. I'd recommend it to any fan.

Order it from Amazon now: The Time Machine Tour

They're Baaaaaaack

2008-07-16T08:34:00.001-07:00

New Kids on the Block that is, and so am I. It's been a crappy summer thus far with little in the way of updates, but this bit of inanity finally inspired me.

I was a bit too young for NKOTB the first time around, but I sort of knew who they were. Hot young guys who sing romantic songs in harmony, making girls 'round the world melt. They followed the boy band formula well enough and I have a vague memory of somebody's sister having a doll version of her favorite member in the group. Looking back on them now, though, I'm shocked to see that they apparently became popular before hitting puberty.

So, of course, it made sense to have them do a reunion tour now that they're all dad aged. Their youngest and most baby-faced member, Joey McIntyre, is 35, while the rest of the band looks a few years older than the barely-under-forty they actually are. After watching this video, I had to take a long hot shower to make myself feel clean again, thanks to the fact that some genius decided the video should follow the formula of all boy band videos.

Namely, the members should sing soulfully while romancing models who look about eighteen. When the members of the group appear to be just the right age to have fathered those models, it is not sexy. It is not romantic. It's fucking creepy. It makes me think of somebody's father ogling all of her friends when they come over.

Men who are sliding into middle age seducing girls that are young enough to be their daughters might be a fantasy, but it's more likely one entertained by creepy middle aged men than teenage girls.

This is more awesome than you will ever be

2008-06-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

"Hocus Pocus" from the band Focus, 1973. This, my friends, is rockin' perfection.

Today couldn't get any better

2008-05-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'd been tuning out the Killers news recently, since I've been drifting more towards different bands, and somehow I had missed the fact that Brandon Flowers shaved off the 'stache. This is clearly proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy.

Oh, also, the Killers won some awards and stuff. Yeah.

They won Best Track for "Tranquilize" and Best Band at the NME Awards USA.

I'm a dork and I don't care

2008-05-01T08:44:00.001-07:00

It's rather embarrassing how ridiculously giddy I am about this, but good GOD am I beside myself with glee. Had Darren Hayes' Time Machine Tour come to the US, I would have happily plunked down a few hundred dollars to see it, but getting the DVD is the best I can hope for.

With shipping and handling and the current exchange rate between pounds and US dollars, the deluxe edition comes out to be a grand total of $71.31. Which I know because I bought it approximately half a second after I finished watching the trailer. Because I was watching it with my credit card in my hand.

Why, yes, I do have the impulse control of an ADHD toddler in the Museum of Shiny Things What You Want to Touch.

Unrealistic Beauty Standards...and a Contest!

2008-04-16T11:02:00.001-07:00

I'm personally responsible for the eating disorders and low self-esteem of thousands of men, incapable of attaining the unrealistic beauty standards I inflict upon them.

Before:

After:

For those unaware, this is Darren Hayes, a London-based Australian musician, former lead-singer of Savage Garden. In most pictures, he is unspeakably delicious looking, so the unflattering picture I started with was a bit bizarre. But, he isn't the only incredibly attractive man to be done a horrible disservice by an ugly, ugly picture.

Yes, I am, of course, speaking of Brandon Flowers. I just don't believe I have the skills to do anything about that monstrosity from NME, but I bet one of you does. And, in an attempt to beautify the world beyond reasonable expectations, Parthenogenetic is going to have a contest.

The Contest:

You must use this picture. It can be added to, but the original picture must be identifiable.
Send all entries in .jpg format to ohgodmaketheuglystop@hotmail.com. Deadline is May 15, 2008.
Entries will be judged by popular vote right here. The picture with the most votes will win. Voting will be from May 16-May 26, with the winner announced on May 27.
The winner will receive his or her choice of t-shirt, some buttons, and bragging rights for having made the world a slightly prettier place.

Good luck!

Karma Is a Bitch

2008-04-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this by saying that I do not condone music piracy. While the current system is heavily flawed and needs to be changed, I cannot, in good conscience, support the theft of others' intellectual property.

That said? HA!

RECORD label Sony BMG, one of the most vocal and ferocious opponents of music piracy, has been accused of using unlawfully installed programs on its computers by a small software company.

French company PointDev, which makes applications for Microsoft Windows, claims to have discovered pirated versions of its software installed on Sony BMG computers and is suing the label for €300,000 ($514,910).

PointDev said it was alerted to the illegal software after a Sony BMG employee rang the software company's technical support number for assistance and gave a pirated product key when asked for a customer number, French website 01net reported.

A raid on the French offices of Sony BMG in January revealed that almost half of the software used by the company may be unlawfully installed, according to the report.

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

2008-04-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

PG: Remember when Brandon Flowers was cute?
HB: Where is he?
HB: HOLY CRAP
HB: *cries*
HB: He looks like the unabomber
PG: He doesn't look even remotely attractive.
PG: Just...ew.
HB: Like a pervert.
PG: Yeah, like somebody's picture on a sex offender registry!
HB: YES
HB: BRANDON! WHY?
HB: WHYYYYYYYYYYYY
PG: He must think being ugly will make people take him seriously as a musician or something.
HB: Or something.
PG: Dude. You're twenty-six. Stop looking like a dirty old man!

In other news, The Killers are saying their new album will be done before the Reading and Leeds Festival in August. Hopefully they'll hose Brandon down and shave him before promoting it.

Pretty. Odd. Is...Pretty Good

2008-04-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

I got Panic at the Disco's new album Pretty. Odd. as soon as it came out, because I was ragingly curious about what the rest of it was going to sound like and I'd fallen in love with "When the Day Met the Night." As soon as I was in the car, I started to play it.

That was over a week ago.

It's taken me this long to write the review simply because I can't get over the shock of how much I absolutely, positively adore this album. In fact, I'm pretty sure my love for this album is a felony in Texas, though there's a rumor the Netherlands will soon recognize our marriage. I haven't listened to another album since I got it on the 25th it's that good.

Does it sound anything like their previous album? Well, there's a definite Panic vibe. You won't get confused and think you're listening to the Beatles or anything (even if it has clearly been influenced by Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band). But, it's a very new direction for them. I've already heard from someone who'd loved A Fever You Can't Sweat Out that she hates Pretty. Odd. There's no guyliner here, no sarcasm. It's all fairly mellow, with little moments of folk ("Folkin' Around"), '50s era jazz ("I Have Friends in Holy Places") and a whole lot of influence from the previously mentioned Beatles and Brian Wilson. In essence, it's far more retro than scene.

My favorite song so far is "Northern Downpour", with "Folkin' Around" as a close second. All of the lyrics were written by Ryan Ross as on the previous album, with the exception of "Folkin' Around" and "I Have Friends in Holy Places", which were written by Brendon Urie.

Despite the huge change in style, the album debuted at #2 on the UK and US charts. In the US, it sold 139,000 copies in its first week, which trumps the band's previous best week, which was when Fever sold 45,000 copies during Christmas week in 2006.

Pete Wentz Says Something, Doesn't Annoy Me

2008-03-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

According to Us Magazine, Pete Wentz tried to kill himself shortly after Fall Out Boy finished recording "their major label record." I assume this means their first album with Fueled by Ramen, which was "Take This to Your Grave", but the article doesn't say. The story, straight from Pete's mouth, is thus:

"I got in my car. I remember I was listening to Jeff Buckley doing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah and sat there and took a bunch of [anxiety drug] Ativan in a Best Buy parking lot," Wentz says in a video for MTV's college channel MTVU.

"And I called up my manager because I was, at that point, completely out of my head with Ativan. And I was talking to him and I was slurring my words, so he called my mom and my mom called me and she came and got me and we went to the hospital."

I'm not his biggest fan by a longshot, but he's promoting The Jed Foundation's Half Of Us campaign, which is aimed at lowering teen suicide rates. This was in an attempt to encourage those suffering from depression to seek professional help, so I have to give him kudos for that.

Rufus Wainwright Wins GLAAD Award

2008-03-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

Rufus Wainwright was named outstanding music artist at the GLAAD Media Awards on Monday, for his 2007 album Release the Stars.

This was the nineteenth annual Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Media Awards, which celebrates mainstream media outlets that foster positive images of gay and lesbian people. Rufus has mentioned in interviews before that he's an unusual musical artist in that he was openly out before his career ever began and yet has enjoyed mainstream success. This is his second GLAAD Media Award, the first being one for Outstanding Music Album in 1999, for his self-named debut album.

Now, to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure that Release the Stars is so outstanding musically as to earn him a new award. It's a great album and has some real gems on it (my favorites being "Going to a Town" and "Do I Disappoint You") and he's clearly grown as a musician here, but I always felt like Want Two was the best album. But, his first album and his fifth are the two that charted the highest and last year he did a series of shows in Judy Garland drag, performing the entire Judy at Carnegie Hall album. This award is far more about being in the public eye than artistry.

And for being in the public eye as a gay artist, challenging people's expectations and pushing the envelope? Oh, Rufus is indeed outstanding.

I can't wait to see the hate mail I get now

2008-03-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I got a bunch of anonymous comments on Why Gerard Way Annoys Me. Each was within a minute of the last, all agreeing with one another. Gosh, so there must have been three different, entirely unrelated people I managed to offend all at the same time! Amazing! I'm so glad that I have now been enlightened as to the offensiveness of that entry, three months after it was written.

There were some comments left earlier along the same hilarious lines, chastising me for my homophobia, which makes me laugh and laugh. Seriously, even if all you read of anything I've ever written was that entry, it should be obvious enough that I'm very, very pro-gay. My gender and orientation might be a bit trickier, but my stance on this topic is blazingly obvious. I want same sex marriages in every chapel and gay porn on demand. Give me homoerotism or give me death.

And, considering the search terms that lead people to this blog most often, it's clear enough that there's a bit of a rainbow theme here. They include such Google queries as, "Is Gerard Way bisexual?" (Answer: Yes, yes, God, yes. Does anyone need to ask at this point? Here's some video of him discussing dick sucking.) Sadly, they also include things that I can't help anyone with, like "Brandon Flowers naked." Oddly, they do not include anything along the lines of, "Brendon Urie and Jon Walker half-naked, wet and cuddling."

For the reading comprehension challenged and anyone tempted to lambaste me for my frustration with Gerard Way, let me translate that earlier entry into something more easily understood: omg i srsly luv teh gays. i luv taht gerard way sucks dick and isn't afraid 2 talk about it!!!!1 i just wish, liek, he would b married 2 a GUY instead of a CHICK cuz taht wud srsly make all teh haters and homophobes go zomgwtf. since hes married 2 chick n kisses guys ppl might think bisexuals r sluts or sumthin which wud sux0rz. but whtvr. his life, u no? i still luv his music and comics and evrything he does!!! mebbe gerard and brandon flowers have big gay naked sleepovers cuz they r friends n i think brandon is bi 2 lol

...okay, that last sentence has nothing to do with the original entry and was made up on the spot, but they could have big gay naked sleepovers. Neither of them has ever denied it, right?

I Am Jack's Utter Confusion

2008-03-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned before, I really have a lot of conflict when it comes to Panic at the Disco. There are elements of the band that I absolutely adore. There are also elements that make me twitch and want to stab out my eardrums and cry.

So, color me surprised that it turns out I'm really, really looking forward to getting my hot little hands on their new album Pretty. Odd. due out on March 25th. If nothing else, the song "When the Day Met the Night" will make it worth it, if the studio version sounds anything like the acoustic one I found.

Real Ultimate Power

2008-03-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

Today, I was handed a seventeen year old's iPod. She wanted me to load it up with music. I gave her a rather dubious look.

"You don't listen to the same music I do."
"Yeah, but you introduced me to the White Stripes and I like them!"
"You ran from the room screaming when I tried to make you watch that Killers' video."
"I'm sick of all the music I have, though. I need new stuff."

And so, with no direction or input from her, I had a blank slate to fill up with whatever I liked. I hadn't opened up iTunes in a while, being a Winamp kind of girl, so was pleasantly surprised to find just how much music I had to choose from on this hard drive: 6.7 days worth. Oh yes. I could find some mind expanding experiences for this kid.

This had to be one of the most entertaining afternoons I've ever had, just picking random songs and tossing them at somebody to see what sticks. It wasn't like making a mix CD for someone, since I wasn't trying to "say" something or share things that had personal significance for me. It was just this big, gorgeous orgy of musical experimentation. I'm particularly looking forward to what her response will be once she makes it through everything I put on there. Will she discover a sudden love for Nickel Arcade? Will the Flaming Lips be a transcendent experience for her? Will she realize Franz Ferdinand is a band named after an archduke and not a solo-artist?

And most importantly of all: will she regret having handed the iPod to me?

(The highlight of the whole thing, for me, will be when she finds this song:

)

It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin

2008-03-03T14:14:00.001-08:00

I'm having a really bad day, but "Lotion" from the Greenskeepers never fails to make me smile, so I thought I'd share the joy.

The Killers Win NME 2008 Best International Band

2008-03-01T08:11:00.000-08:00

I could try to describe the acceptance speech, but it's probably best if you just watch the video, which involves Brandon Flowers talking about God at Mike Tyson's prompting. No, I'm not joking.

A bit of a debate

2008-02-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

So I've been discussing with friends what, exactly, "Nine in the Afternoon" is about. Usually, Panic at the Disco's songs are pretty easy to decipher, though they may have more complex lyrics than this. Oddly, this simpler song is really throwing me for a loop.

At first, I thought it was about love. Then, I thought maybe it was about drugs. Then, I thought maybe it was a romantic story about getting high with somebody you like. Or maybe it's about Alice in Wonderland. I honestly don't know.

Does anyone out there have any insight?

Casey

2008-02-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

The video for Darren Hayes' upcoming new single "Casey" has been out for a while now, though the single won't be available until March 3. When I first got a sneak peak of it during production, I was really worried. It looked like a hopelessly cheesy video involving awful computer graphics.

Finished and in context, though? It's absolutely stunning.

This is one of my favorite songs and it never fails to give me this sort of melancholy thrill. It perfectly captures what it's like to be a teenager in a small town, dreaming of the world beyond, wishing you could fit in, and being terrified of being left behind. The retro-video game imagery used in the video fits this really well.

Preeeeeetty

2008-02-26T08:14:00.000-08:00

So the movie The Fall actually came out two years ago, but nobody knew any of the actors, the director preferred bizarre and gorgeous visuals over coherent storylines, and pretty much nobody cared. The lead, Lee Pace, is now on ABC's Pushing Daisies, though, and suddenly people know who he is and in a cynical grab for cash, David Fincher and Spike Jonze are rereleasing the film to a wider audience.

Oh. Wait. Sorry.

I mean, David Fincher and Spike Jonze were so awed and moved by the stunning excellence of this film that they wished to share it with a world that was finally ready for it.

If nothing else, though, it is visually stunning.

Shocking, but True

2008-02-25T08:52:00.001-08:00

January and February sucked in a very bad way, in case you were wondering. Moving right along...

Panic at the Disco's video for their single "Nine in the Afternoon" is out, and much to my shock...I like it. At first I was a bit put off by the huge change in sound (and mildly amused by the fact that they decided to drop their exclamation point), which drastically moved away from everything I'd liked about the band. The lyrics aren't quite so clever and there isn't that funky, discordant feel to the music anymore. And yet...

It works. There's a sort of trippy, modern twist to the Beatles going on here. Sure, the simplistic rhymes are kind of goofy, but in the context of the song--which is a goofy, giddy little love song--they're perfect.

My main concern is the addition of a fake mustache on Brendon Urie during the marching band scenes. This is how it all began with Brandon Flowers, you know. First there's a weird video where he's sporting a fake mustache. The next thing you know, the pretty is covered in scary, bushy facial hair and you can't look directly into the 'stache lest your soul be sucked from your struggling body.

Hopefully, Brendon will prove stronger than his fellow Vegas frontman.

Ultimate Helter Skelter

2008-01-07T15:04:00.001-08:00

So, there were the Killers, right? And the Vines. And the Howling Bells. And Louis XIV. All on stage. All doing a cover of the Beatles' "Helter Skelter". Whether or not it compares to the original is irrelevant. The point here isn't for the music to sound good (though it doesn't sound bad) but to just be the biggest, most intense spectacle possible.

And they succeed.

That stage is so crowded with artists, halfway through I was expecting the song to shift to "The Ultimate Showdown (of Ultimate Destiny)" by Lemon Demon and Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick Craig Nicholls in the head.

You don't have to worry

2008-01-02T11:01:00.000-08:00

At least that's the admonishment from Panic! at the Disco's song "We're Starving" that they're using as a teaser for their next album.

I have a very difficult relationship with this band. On the pro side, there are moments when lyricist/guitarist Ryan Ross's lyrics are so astoundingly, shockingly poetic that I wonder how the hell he managed to come up with such a thing. And lead singer Brendon Urie's voice can be quite beautiful. Then, of course, there's that hometown love they automatically get a dose of.

On the con side, there are moments when their lyrics are so astoundingly, shockingly retarded I have to wonder what Ryan was thinking. And some of their songs just flat out sound like an attempt to suck up to Fall Out Boy. And, finally, they're from Summerlin, not one of the cool areas around Vegas, which automatically cuts off some of the hometown love.

So, I kind of want to like them. I think there's a lot of potential there and if they worked a little harder they could be one of the greatest bands out there, honestly. It seems like Ryan always exhausts what he wants to say in the first thirty seconds of every song and then pretty much does nothing but repeated chorus and nonsense bridge to fill in the gaps. Which, if those first thirty seconds are good enough, can work. When those first thirty seconds leave you saying WTH, not so much.

As near as I can tell, these are the lyrics to "We're Starving":

Ohhh, how it's been so long
We're so sorry we've been gone
We were busy writing songs for you
Ohhh, how it's been so long
We're so sorry we've been gone
We were busy writing songs for
You don't have to worry
'Cause we're still the same band
You don't have to worry
You don't have to worry
You don't
You don't have to worry
You don't have to worry
You don't
Ohhh, how it's been so long
We're so sorry we've been gone
We were busy writing songs for you

...which can be heard at their MySpace page. It's the last song on the player.

It's possible that after mixing it'll sound good enough to make up for serious and sad lyrical shortcomings, but I can't imagine that happening. At present, it sounds more like some sort of weird parody of a commercial jingle. Are they seriously going to put this on an album and try to sell it? We'll see how it sounds after it's been through the studio and if the rest of the album makes up for those wince inducing lyrics, I suppose. It's always possible it's meant ironically.

And just because I haven't had an excuse to link to it before, here is a random picture of Brendon Urie and their bass player Jon Walker. In the shower. Because even if the next album sucks so hard it's mistaken for a spacetime singularity, they do tend to be a bit easy on the eyes.

Act Like a Kid Day

2007-12-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were a kid and you imagined being a grownup? All the adventures you'd have, all the wacky things you'd do. You'd never be boring like your parents, of course. You'd eat nothing but pizza and candy. You'd jump on the beds when you wanted to. You'd go play Tag in the park at night with your friends and stay up until sunrise.

That's how I'd pictured it, anyway. I'd stay up all night having fun and sleep all day. I'd buy every toy I could and have a room devoted to them. I'd landscape my yard so that it was covered in criss-crossing tiny rivers and canyons and mountains for dolls to explore. Every wall in my house would be some crazy mural. My bedroom would be decorated like a jungle. Somewhere along the way, though, between college and jobs and generally getting older, I stopped thinking about that stuff so much. I still do silly things and even if I might spend more time reading than having adventures, I'm still the exact same person I was at eight years old. I'm older, a lot more distracted with the responsibilities of adulthood, but underneith it all I'm not all that different than I used to be. I just never seem to have the time to do all the silly, crazy stuff that I wanted to do as a kid.

That's why I think we should all make time. There should be one day a year when we give ourselves permission to do all of the things that we'd do if our inner children were suddenly given our adult lives. Spend a few hundred bucks on huge bags of M&Ms to fill a wading pool? Sure! Finally buy the U.S.S. Flagg GI Joe Aircraft Carrier off of eBay? Yes! Play space invaders with your spouse and best friends in the backyard? Please do.

In honor of inner children everywhere, I'm declaring the third Saturday in August to be Act Like a Kid Day. The first annual Act Like a Kid Day will be August 23rd, 2008.

Why that day? Because it's one of the most golden, perfect moments in childhood: the very end of summer. The last freedom before you return to school. Those were the days when I'd wish most fervently to be a grownup, so I wouldn't have to go back to school, so I could goof off and have fun always.

For at least that day, I plan on giving myself what I'd wanted.

Now who wants to join me for the most awesome game of Hide and Go Seek ever?

5 Minutes of Cloverfield

2007-12-16T18:09:00.001-08:00

All of the teasing is kicking into overdrive and they're finally putting out a full five minute clip from the JJ Abrams movie "Cloverfield." This isn't that terribly different from the other clips that have been out there--particularly if you've been following it obsessively--but it does give some nice context. And it makes me go "yay."

Why Gerard Way Annoys Me

2007-12-13T10:01:00.001-08:00

(Edit: If you cannot be bothered to read this entire entry or understand it because it involves big words, sarcasm, and hyperbole, here is the gist: omg i srsly luv teh gays. i luv taht gerard way sucks dick and isn't afraid 2 talk about it!!!!1 i just wish, liek, he would b married 2 a GUY instead of a CHICK cuz taht wud srsly make all teh haters and homophobes go zomgwtf. since hes married 2 chick n kisses guys ppl might think bisexuals r sluts or sumthin which wud sux0rz. but whtvr. his life, u no? i still luv his music and comics and evrything he does!!!)

First off, let me say that I really, truly do love My Chemical Romance. They're not the sort of band I'd ever want to see in concert due to their far younger fanbase, but I love their albums, their videos, and even Gerard Way's comics.

What I do not love, though, is the extremely cynical and grotesque way that Gerard exploits bisexuality. He claims in interviews that he's pushing the envelope because of homophobia. He wants to make people see that being gay or bi isn't a bad thing, so he sets out to shock them, to make them have to get used to the imagery of a famous, successful man kissing other men or demanding male fans strip their shirts off at shows, or discussing his frequency of dick sucking.

And yes, perhaps, this would be effective if there weren't hundreds of other gay male artists out there doing far more good by doing the thing that really shocks homophobes: being people.

I mean, come on. We've got a cynical rock star fooling around with guys as a modern-day freak show while only ever dating women and then, of course, marrying one, making it quite clear that he's about as sincere as your average drunken sorority sisters slipping each other the tongue. How is that going to make someone question her assumptions about the perversness of bisexuals? How is that going to make a teenage boy stop going "ew" at the idea of two guys kissing?

People like Rufus Wainwright and Darren Hayes--whom I'm constantly bringing up here as musicians I admire--are more along the lines of what might actually do some good fighting against homophobia. They're out there, living their lives. They're unquestionably gay, but they don't feel the need to tell anybody what they do in the bedroom. First and foremost, they are musicians. Of course, Rufus is a little more...er..."out there" (have you seen him doing Judy Garland drag?), but nobody is snogging on stage or going off on rants about fellatio.

In some ways, it could be good to have a few more gay artists being a bit more daring and in your face. Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters fits the bill, and he doesn't apologetically date women after his homoerotic antics.

Mostly, though, the world of queer artists doesn't need some guy who's married to a woman swapping spit with his guitarist to show off how "normal" bisexuality is. All that's doing is feeding into the stereotypes people already have about bisexuality. So, Gerard Way? Fabulous musician. Entertaining writer. Lousy LGBT advocate.

Covers That Will Never Be: "Little Girls"

2007-12-08T09:49:00.000-08:00

There are some songs that are so deeply entrenched in their own time that it would be almost impossible to ever, ever record the song again. From a cultural perspective, we can enjoy a lot of this music still, but it would be career suicide for any modern artist to try to cover it. One such song is Oingo Boingo's "Little Girls."

This is probably among the creepiest of videos I've ever seen--perhaps even rivaling the cat with human hands--and the whole concept of it is deeply disturbing. How in the hell did Danny Elfman get away with singing a song about lusting for young girls with a whole lot of violent subtext? And then, as if that wasn't bizarre enough, the video actually embraces that subtext by having Elfman smothered in women dressed like preteens and violently tossing a shrinking woman off into a void. Oh, yeah, and then there's the kiss, which makes me twitch every time I watch it.

The midgets don't really help, either.

I cannot comprehend someone producing this song or video nowadays. But, in the bizarro world where somebody could get away with it, the perfect band to cover it would be The Killers. They already have the knack for sounding like they just walked right out of the '80s and they love doing covers from that decade, so it'd be right up their alley.

And possibly the only way to make this video any creepier would be to work Brandon Flowers' funny uncle mustache into it.

The White Stripes Are Weird

2007-12-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, the above title for this entry is pretty "duh", but it needed to be said, because this video is such a fabulous reminder of that weirdness. The White Stripes' video for Conquest has been out for a while, but I just hadn't gotten around to watching it until recently. After having been fairly bored by You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do as You're Told), it didn't seem like it was worth the effort to keep up on any other videos they might be releasing from Icky Thump.

Boy, was I wrong.

There's nothing quite like the love between a man and his bull, right?

Quotes, Sawdust and Ramblings

2007-12-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

"We used to get pimps going to the hotels a lot. They would promise a good tip as you loaded the car. They never would. Pimps and gypsies, terrible tippers."
- Brandon Flowers, Q Magazine, January 2008

This was a really good Cash for Questions interview with the band. The whole "multiple wives" thing about Mormons came up and Brandon handled it pretty gracefully, but I'd have to think that sort of thing would really start to piss off an LDS celebrity after a while.

So, I've been listening to Sawdust, trying to decide what I think of it. At first, I was a little underwhelmed by it, but I've found a few of the songs stuck in my head at random moments and their version of Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits is one of my favorite covers ever. It's all the parts of the original I loved, without the parts that seem a little painfully 1980s now. This slow appreciation is sort of how I'd come to love The Killers in the first place, so I guess it makes sense it took a while for the B sides and rarities album to get to me.

And for some bizarre reason, their version of Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town really, really works for me.

Why I Worship Darren Hayes

2007-11-30T22:24:00.000-08:00

Further evidence of the insane awesomeness that is Darren Hayes. He gave fans a very, very, very special treat at the Canal Room in NYC. He did an acoustic cover of Britney Spears's "Gimme More", complete with truly fabulous (and silly) dance moves.

Gerard Way Did Drugs, Sucked Dick

2007-11-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

This video is from a NME interview with Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. The highlight of the entire video is likely this quote:

"I was on stage and explaining to the crowd that a loader had said, 'Hey, there's David Cassidy', and my answer to the crowd was basically, you know, the big difference between me and David Cassidy is I suck way more dick than David Cassidy."

Don't ever say I don't listen

2007-11-22T20:22:00.001-08:00

On the advice of an anonymous comment, I went looking for the Don't Shoot Me Santa video by the Killers. I...may actually need a couple of glasses of wine before I can make it all the way through this.

I humbly recant my statement that they were taking themselves too seriously. My love is restored. Thank you.

New Killers Video, Shadowplay

2007-11-22T09:39:00.000-08:00

Here's yet another new video from the Killers, and nearly as uninspired as the last one. It's their cover of Joy Division's Shadowplay from the B-sides album, with scenes from the recent Ian Curtis Biopic Control interwoven with incredibly lifeless snippets of the band.

I think the big problem here is that they're taking themselves far, far too seriously. Back when they made silly videos with things like stealing donkeys from midgets and ripping off Moulin Rouge, it was entertaining. It was fun. They were a cute band with a nice retro sound, after all. Then, somewhere along the way they got the idea that they were serious artistes and it all went to shit. Obviously, something needs to be done.

Dear Mr. Flowers,

You do not have gravitas. You completely and utterly lack gravitas. The mustache isn't making people take you seriously. It's just stupid. You look like a depressed pubescent Italian girl in need of a wax. Go back to singing about cross-dressing or girlfriends cheating on you or what-the-fuck-ever you used to sing about. And then make a video with a giant chicken and women trying to kill you with spoons. It'll help.

Love and Deaf

2007-11-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

This really isn't music related, but I really enjoyed this short film, even so. I look forward to getting a look at Jinx!, another film by this same guy. That one is about the brutal world of gradeschool, though. No glory holes, as far as I'm aware.

Oh, yeah. The above short film involves shirtless men, blowjobs, and the fine distinction between speaking and communicating. Don't watch if you're at work, because while you might be able to get away with Darren's falsetto or Rufus's croon, you probably can't get away with that actor's moans.

It grows on you, like a tumor

2007-11-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

Like many children of the '90s, I can remember back when Savage Garden came out with their video for I Want You. It was a nice little song and that girl was so pretty! Oh, but then I found out that girl was actually Darren Hayes. (I think there may have been an actual girl at some point in the video, but mostly I just remember Darren.) That video may very well have been what inspired a lifelong obsession with guyliner and girly boys.

Well, thanks to the fabulous HB, I've rediscovered Darren Hayes as a solo-artist. I was vaguely aware that he still existed, but otherwise clueless until she started sending me links to videos and pictures. Oh, God. Pictures. He doesn't look like a girl any more, but he's still unspeakably beautiful. Then, there's the music...

I had to watch this video about three times before I could decide whether or not I liked it. Finally, I decided I did. It's just so over the top and aware of it's own insanity I can't not love it, even if it's wildly different from what I usually enjoy.

Don't blame me if you do this...

2007-11-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

...but if you happen to be really drunk/have a high pain tolerance/are a masochist, I suggest listening to "This Ain't a Scene" by Fall Out Boy. And listen for these lyrics:

I'm a little man
And I'm also evil, also into cats. Oh so into cats.

I know those aren't the real lyrics, but I swear to God it sounds more like he's singing that than the random shit coming out of his mouth.

There was more lyrical fun with Amy Winehouse high on meth, but the videos have all been yanked off the Intartubes as near as I can tell, alas. As has been mentioned, the new Killers video is out. I had momentary euphoria because I got my hands on it early, but it was surprisingly meh.

I miss the freaky random crap like "These Things That I've Done" and "For Reasons Unknown." More donkeys! More heads on sticks! Definitely more shower scenes.

In random news that nobody cares about, Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day came to Britney Spears' defense in a recent interview. On the topic of her disastrous VMA appearance, he had this to say:

Watching Britney Spears was like watching a public execution. How could the people at MTV, the people around her, not know this girl was fucked up? People came in expecting a train wreck, and they got more than they bargained for.

She is a manufactured child. She has come up through this Disney perspective, thinking that all life is about is to be the most ridiculous star you could be. But it's also about what we look at as entertainment — watching somebody go through that.

My Chemical Romance will be releasing a video for their song "Mama" off of the Black Parade album on November 15th. It will be directed by lead singer Gerard Way, who--in case you forgot--is married to a woman.

I'm still so confused by that one.

Amy Winehouse Speaks in Tongues

2007-11-02T15:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, that really is English that Winehouse is attempting to sing there. I'm really not sure what the deal is. She's actually hitting all of the notes properly and seems to be making sounds vaguely like words, but isn't quite getting it right. It's sort of like listening to someone trying to sing around a dick. Presumably, her mouth is numb from the massive, massive amount of drugs in her system at the moment.

The best part by far is the back up dancers with their ridiculously enthusiastic dancing. I can just imagine they're back there telling each other, "Maybe we can get the band to play faster and save us all from this agony!" How they managed to keep from laughing hysterically, I'll never know.

Edited to Add: Apparently, nobody cares about having videos of performances on the Internet until they're embarrassing. Ah well.

Tranquilize Video

2007-11-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

This video premieres in the UK in about two hours, so of course it's already on the Internet. Enjoy.

The Murder Trilogy

2007-10-20T10:43:00.001-07:00

Played publicly for the first time since they signed with a label, the Killers performed the first part of their murder trilogy--"Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf"--along with the other two songs at the 40 Watt Club in Athens, Georgia on October 12th.

It's obvious that the song was written during their early days, since it has a decidedly different sound to it from Sam's Town or some of the pieces they've written for soundtracks. It works pretty well with "Midnight Show" and "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine" and all the super fans will feel the need to complete the set, which is probably why they added it to Sawdust. Oh, they can say what they like about feeling the need to share these songs with fans, but we know the real reasoning here.

On a completely different topic from the music, it's interesting to note that despite rumors of his "bloated rockstar figure", Brandon Flowers is looking pretty damn svelte on stage. And, he appears to have groomed the 'stache of doom. His arms are looking a little more defined, too. His singing? Oh, sorry. Didn't notice that.

New album from the Killers

2007-10-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Sawdust--a rarities, remixes and B sides album from the Killers--will be available in the US on November 13, 2007. The band has already released a single from this album, however, titled "Tranquilize" and featuring the vocals of Lou Reed of the Velvet Underground in a duet with Brandon Flowers. A video for the single is planned, though has yet to be released. Lyrics and a preview of the song can be found here.

One exciting aspect of the album is that it will include a song that had been cut from their debut album, Hot Fuss. The song is "Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf" and is the first part in the murder trilogy of songs which includes "Midnight Show" and "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine."

The track listing:

Tranquilize
Shadowplay
All The Pretty Faces
Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf
Sweet Talk
Under The Gun
Where The White Boys Dance
Show You How
Move Away
Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll
Who Let You Go?
The Ballad of Michael Valentine
Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town
Daddy's Eyes
Sam's Town (Abbey Road Version)
Romeo and Juliet
Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Remix)

Radiohead Gives the Recording Industry the Finger

2007-10-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Bands have been making their albums available via digital download for years now, but the latest Radiohead album--titled In Rainbows--is taking it one step further. On October 10, 2007 it'll be available for download for whatever price the listener thinks is fair. Twenty dollars? Sure. One? You bet. For the really obsessive a fully-loaded discbox set that includes 2 CDs, 2 vinyl LPs, digital photos, additional songs, and artwork will be available for $81 (or forty pounds, in Radiohead-speak).

All without involvement of a record label.

Obviously, this sort of thing won't work too well for a band that doesn't already have a huge following, but it does make for an interesting gimmick.

Here's the tracklist:

CD one and vinyl:

15 Step
Bodysnatchers
Nude
Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
All I Need (See video above for a preview of this one.)
Faust Arp
Reckoner
House of Cards
Jigsaw Falling into Place
Videotape

CD two and vinyl:

MK 1
Down is the New Up
Go Slowly
MK 2
Last Flowers
Up on the Ladder
Bangers and Mash
4 Minute Warning

Take the MCR Challenge!

2007-09-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

According to Gerard Way, My Chemical Romance is not emo and he takes offense at having them lumped in with "that pile of shit." He insists that his band is nothing at all like emo and challenges you (yes, you!) to listen to My Chemical Romance and some of that emo crap side by side and you will see, once and for all, that they have nothing in common.

You may not have any emo or My Chemical Romance to compare, but fear not! I have gone through the trouble of finding samples for you to compare. First, let's check out Fall Out Boy:

And then MCR:

Hmmm. Very interesting. Okay, now let's try some Panic! at the Disco:

And then MCR:

So, seriously now. What do you think? Emo or not?

Gerard Way married a chick

2007-09-25T10:43:00.001-07:00

Surprising absolutely no one in the world whatsoever, Gerard Way--lead singer of My Chemical Romance--married Lyn-Z--bass player of Mindless Self Indulgence--on September 4, 2007. Lyn-Z is female, for anyone who wasn't sure.

Having often made comments about bisexuality and kissing people with beards, encouraging his male fans to take off their shirts at concerts, and shoving his tongue down rhythm guitarist Frank Iero's throat on stage, it was clear from the start that Gerard Way was a raging heterosexual.

Of course, plenty of bisexuals end up marrying someone of the opposite gender, but it's amusing to me that somewhere along the way the game that drunk girls played of "I'll make out with another girl to get a boy's attention!" has been taken by male rockstars. It's currently trendy to play the bisexual, so long as you never, never actually have a relationship with someone of the same gender.

Still, congratulations to the newlyweds. One can hope this won't stop Gerard from gaying it up.

So does he taste of potato chips?

2007-09-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

Rufus Wainwright has said that he and Brandon Flowers finally got around to meeting a second time and discussing the song "Tulsa" that he had written about their first meeting. Unlike my prediction, it hadn't occurred at T in the Park, but the next day at Oxegen. I have to have earned some points for being close there, though.

Rufus had this to say about their second meeting:

I saw him in Ireland. We were doing a festival together. He was very sweet, quite bashful, and gave me a nice big kiss on the cheek. We'll take it from there.

However, that isn't the only thing Mr. Wainwright has had to say recently about the Killers frontman. This is from the introduction of "Tulsa" at a recent concert:

MTV 2007 VMA Nominees Announced

2007-08-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

MTV announced their nominees for the 2007 VMAs yesterday and the list isn't particularly surprising. There are a few indie darlings in here--like White Stripes, Amy Winehouse, and Justice--but mostly it's just the same old, same old. There are those who might say that MTV is on the decline and is slowly being taken over by crap. To those people, I say, "No, I'm pretty sure it was always crap."

Except maybe once, in 1983. For twenty minutes.

And the nominees are...

Video of the Year

Amy Winehouse: “Rehab”
Beyoncé: “Irreplaceable”
Justice: “D.A.N.C.E.”
Justin Timberlake: “What Goes Around”
Kanye West: “Stronger”
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z): “Umbrella”

Best New Artist

Amy Winehouse
Carrie Underwood
Gym Class Heroes
Lily Allen
Peter Bjorn and John

Male Artist of the Year

Akon
Kanye West
Justin Timberlake
T.I.
Robin Thicke

Female Artist of the Year

Amy Winehouse
Beyoncé
Fergie
Nelly Furtado
Rihanna

Best Group

Fall Out Boy
Gym Class Heroes
Linkin Park
Maroon 5
White Stripes

Quadruple Threat of the Year

Beyoncé
Bono
Jay-Z
Justin Timberlake
Kanye West

Monster Single of the Year

Avril Lavigne: “Girlfriend”
Daughtry: “Home”
Fall Out Boy: “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs”
Lil Mama: “Lip Gloss (No Music)”
T-Pain: “Buy U a Drank”
Timbaland: “The Way I Are”
MIMS: “This Is Why I’m Hot”
Plain White T’s: “Hey There, Delilah”
Rihanna: “Umbrella”
Shop Boyz: “Party Like A Rock Star”

Most Earthshattering Collaboration

Akon (featuring Eminem): “Smack That”
Beyoncé and Shakira: “Beautiful Liar”
Justin Timberlake (featuring Timbaland): “SexyBack”
Gwen Stefani (featuring Akon): “The Sweet Escape”
U2 (featuring Green Day): “The Saints Are Coming”

Just a brief gossip blip before the weekend

2007-08-03T07:07:00.001-07:00

On July 7 of this year, Rufus Wainwright and the Killers both performed at T in the Park in Scotland before hopping over to Ireland to perform at Oxegen. Since Wainwright had said he was still waiting for a response to his song "Tulsa", I had wondered if he and Brandon Flowers might have a second meeting.

There was never any news about the two talking, but an interesting factoid was that Wainwright didn't play "Tulsa" at either show, despite the fact that it's been a part of his regular set for quite some time. Did Flowers ask him to stop performing it or did it just seem uncomfortably stalkerish to play the song when the subject was so close at hand?

Whatever was said about the song, "Tulsa" has been performed at shows since so Wainwright obviously hasn't decided to stop using it. The absence at the two big festivals might be explained by the fact that it's a very difficult song to play and Wainwright just didn't want to risk messing up at such a large venue. Maybe.

However, at a recent concert in Vancouver it was noted that Wainwright's typical introduction to the song "Tulsa" has changed. He's not saying that he's waiting for a response anymore. Instead, he said:

"Didn't succeed in seducing him. So. Failure"

Picture courtesy of Rebecca Blissett.

The Splendor Which Is Google Trends

2007-08-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

I've recently discovered the most fun toy ever. I've always enjoyed using search engines to gauge the relative idiocy of my fellow humans, but Google Trends makes the whole process that much simpler. Instead of popping some phrase or word into a search engine and seeing how many hits come up, you can use Google Trends to compare how often people did searches for various things.

To start out, I decided to put John Lennon to the test and compared the Beatles vs Jesus Christ. Turns out, the boys from Liverpool kick the carpenter's ass. However, the Beatles really aren't all that popular. It turns out that people just don't try to find Jesus with Google all that much. The Beatles vs U2 has U2 easily dominating the playing field for the past three years. But, U2 isn't at the top of the game, I'm afraid. U2 vs Beyonce has had some reversals over the years, but currently it looks like Beyonce is reigning supreme.

Google Trends also makes it easy to follow raging cultural debates. Long has man wrestled with the choice between Beyonce and Fergie. Bootylicious or Fergalicious? Sultry sweetness or skanky sex? Beyonce still comes out on top, but it's a close race. Fergie could overtake her at any moment.

And what about famous feuds? For instance, The Killers and Green Day both desperately want to be U2 (when really, as the results above should show, anyone with sense would want to be Beyonce). Killers frontman Brandon Flowers has been rather outspoken in his disgust for the anti-Americanism of Green Day. Has his patriotism rewarded him? Alas, no. The Killers vs Green Day ends with Green Day noticeably ahead, though the Killers did outdo them briefly in September and October 2006. However, in Brandon Flowers vs Billie Joe Armstrong we find that Flowers has remained ahead of Armstrong pretty consistently since February of this year.

I'm still searching for a band or musician who tops Beyonce. High School Musical has managed to, but there's an unfair advantage there as this is a movie and not an actual band. She even beats Elvis and Iraq (though barely). Technically, she's beat by Britney Spears, but again I don't think this one counts. Chances are good searches for Britney are more for scary, scary stories than interest in music. Linkin Park briefly eclipsed her in May of this year and now they're neck and neck, much like her and Fergie.

And though his 'Net trendiness might not be on par with the big name bands (though as a solo performer, he beats the lead singers of the above bands), I'll have you know that Rufus Wainwright completely pwns Cheez Whiz.

New Video: White Stripes, "You Don't Know What Love Is"

2007-08-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

The White Stripes have released a new video for "You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do as You're Told)". The song will soon be available as a single. The video was directed by the Malloys, who also directed the videos for "Icky Thump" and "My Doorbell". They also worked with Jack on the the race car concept version of the Raconteurs "Steady, As She Goes."

Frankly, as much as I love the Stripes, this video isn't doing much for me. Maybe my mind has been permanently warped by such atrocities as "For Reasons Unknown" from the Killers and "Build God, Then We'll Talk" from P!atD (warning: their video contains pornomime) that anything that doesn't leave me twitching and asking "WTF?" bores me. But, I don't really think that's it--though the video might have been improved with the addition of barbecuing singing human heads on chicken bodies.

Instead, it's just sort of...generic. It's like something I'd expect to see in a retrospective on the 1980s, when the art of music videos was still new and simply having your favorite band strolling along on a beach while singing was novel. It's not bad. It's a pretty setting and has some nice cinematography, but it is rather bland.

I suppose when everyone expects something weird and shocking from you, the best way to shock people is by being unspeakably mundane.

A Comic Route For the Black Parade

2007-07-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Many successful musicians have used their wealth and name recognition to branch out into new genres or entirely new artistic ventures. Musician turned actor is a fairly common one, though writing musicals, plays and operas aren't entirely unheard of either. Madonna actually wrote six different children's books that all became best sellers, proving once and for all that there is no hope for humanity.

Following in this grand tradition, Gerard Way, frontman of My Chemical Romance, has a comic book coming out in September. Titled The Umbrella Academy, the six issue series will debut on September 19, 2007. It's being published by Dark Horse Comics and will feature the writing of Way, the illustrations of Gabriel Bá and cover art by James Jean.

In an interview with MTV, Way was asked to describe the comic but found it difficult to do so:

"It's much like when we were starting the band — the band was very hard to explain to people, and they just kind of had to hear it. I tell people they just have to read the comic. But in short, a [closeted] space alien has adopted seven extraordinary children to save the world. He never tells [them] from what. He's a really bad father, and he dies of a heart attack, and they are all kind of stuck to figure out the rest."

While some might call it a vanity project, it is, at the very least, a vanity that Way has entertained for his entire life. His first job in high school was at a local comic book shop and he graduated from the School of Visual Arts in New York City with a Bachelor of Fine Arts. He'd aspired to be a comic book artist after finishing his schooling, but got sidetracked from the comic industry in 2001, when he formed his band.

The comic has a dark aesthetic, leaning towards a gothic meets WWII look. The previews thus far have shown a strong influence from Grant Morrison, with such hilariously surreal moments as when the characters stumble upon Zombie-Robot Gustave Eiffel. Way has also cited Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, and Frank Miller as some of his comic idols.

Uncle Ghastly Is My Hero

2007-07-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

This is a fabulous example as to why I'll continue to be unfulfilled in my life until I learn how to play the accordion.

Performing "Deep Space Nine (Was Terok Nor)" is "Uncle Ghastly," AKA Chris Cracknell who provides keyboards and vocals for Science Ninja Big Ten.

Rufus Wainwright Responsible for Rehab

2007-07-25T06:52:00.001-07:00

According to Rufus Wainwright, we have him to thank for the fact that these days celebrities are more likely to go into rehab than "collapse from exhaustion." The recent switch towards honesty is refreshing and, one would hope, might actually do some good. Wainwright said in a recent interview:

"I like to think I made rehab fashionable. Now you got everybody going into clinics which is a good thing, but I was there first."

In 2002, Wainwright was addicted to crystal meth. The addiction nearly cost him his eyesight. Five years later, he's cagey about whether or not he's entirely sober (the most he'll say is "it can switch on a dime"), but he's looking healthy and hasn't been spotted out with Paris Hilton sans underwear or anything.

The most beautiful part about this quote is that it's so quintessentially Rufus. Most celebrities would want to sweep that sort of thing under the rug. If it was ever brought up at all, they'd probably make some little nod to being clean and sober and then move on. The enigmatically egotistical and self-deprecating musician, on the other hand, brings up his addiction himself, takes credit for other people seeking treatment, and then points out that an addiction is never entirely conquered.

It says a lot about Wainwright that he can do things that have the potential to be unspeakably obnoxious, like claiming he made rehab trendy, and yet come off as adorably charming.

How to Annoy an Irish Folksinger

2007-07-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

So there I am at Frank O'Dowd's Irish Pub, listening to Paul McHugh play. The food, drink and crowd are all good. There's a warm atmosphere of conviviality. McHugh is up there on the stage, playing traditional Irish music along with various folksongs and even some American country, all on his acoustic guitar. The general vibe is upbeat and playful. A few dirty ditties and drinking songs are mixed in there.

Then, some jackass requests "Danny Boy".

If you're going to go to a place called "Frank O'Dowd's Irish Pub" inside of a hotel called "the Irish Cottage" and listen to an Irish musician, it might be a good idea to not request "Danny Boy".

I like the song well enough, when I hear it performed by someone who performs it well. The grand majority of the world, however, doesn't perform it well. You need to sing a pretty broad range of notes and most people's voices simply aren't up for it. I've been told that my grandfather used to sing it beautifully, but I have no memory of ever hearing him sing it. The grand majority of times that I have heard it live, it's been because some jackass requested it because, hey, the guy singing has an Irish accent!

This is akin to going to a random rock concert and screaming out, "Free Bird!" It's obnoxious and marks you as a clueless idiot, generally.

But, the group who requested "Danny Boy" managed to outdo themselves. I didn't think it was possible, but they managed to make an even stupider request. They requested "Sunday Bloody Sunday."

In case you weren't paying attention, go back to the first paragraph. McHugh is by himself on stage with an acoustic guitar. I mean, seriously, the hell? These people didn't appear to be drunk, either. I can only assume that they were trying to think of every song they knew of that had been written by an Irishman and, pathetically, those were the only two that they could think of. Also, to make matters worse, "Danny Boy" was actually written by an Englishman.

So let this be a lesson to you. Should you ever go to an pub and listen to an Irish guy with his guitar, do not request "Danny Boy" unless you know for a fact that this guy does a killer version of it. And for God's sake, don't request "Sunday Bloody Sunday" from anyone who isn't wearing sunglasses and rambling about the poor starving children.

White Stripes Keep Their Promises

2007-07-19T06:15:00.001-07:00

Jack White vowed to play in every province in Canada and he kept that promise. Their guerrilla style musical attacks--popping up on buses, boats, bridges, and in classrooms--reached their climax on Monday, July 16. They played a single note on George Street in St. John's and then abruptly left.

Don't feel too bad for the crowd of fans, though. Everyone was informed about the stunt beforehand and the audience was more than willing to go along with the silliness.

They also gave a more...traditional concert later that night at a Mile One Stadium in the city, which was the final show in their Canadian tour.

Even without their music, I think the White Stripes would have gone down in history simply for doing "weird" better than anyone else on the planet.

New Flower Child

2007-07-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

As of Saturday July 14, the Killers' frontman Brandon Flowers and his wife Tana were the proud parents of a baby boy. They've yet to release the name of their son.

Despite the fact that Brandon Flowers tends to overshare in interviews, he's actually pretty good at keeping a wrap on his personal life with his wife, so it's not much of a surprise that nobody had heard about the baby being born until days later.

Picture by Torey Mundkowsky, 2007.

Lyrical Theory Society

2007-07-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

In the basement of an historical hotel in the suburbs of Las Vegas, six brilliant minds meet in a tiny, smoke-filled bar to discuss the problems of the universe. And the lyrics of current hit singles.

Jacques: Where are Wayne and Carl? I want to get this meeting started already.
Jane: They probably had to argue about where to park the car again. Carl always gets upset about parking near anything that cost more than his rent.
Victor: Here they come!
Carl: You can't wear that! You have to return it right now. Destroy their profit margin! Show them that crime doesn't pay!
Wayne: But, the tears of foreign orphans make the fabric so soft...
Ani: Ahem. I now call this meeting of the Lyrical Theory Society to order. Mr. Secretary, would you please take roll?
Victor: I don't see why I have to be the secretary. Jane's far more organized than I am.
Ani: We will not make the only other wombyn here a secretary!
Victor: Okay, okay. Madam President is accounted for. And our vice-president?
Jacques: Present.
Victor: Treasurer?
Carl: Here, and we really need to discuss upping the dues for those who are making more money than the rest of us.
Victor: Jane? Wayne?
Jane: You're looking at me. Do you really need to ask if I'm here?
Victor: It has to go on the official record. Are you feeling hostility towards me, Jane?
Jacques: We're all accounted for! Let's get some beer and get down to business. I want to talk about "Hey There Delilah."
Carl: Victor, you make twice as much as I do. You really should be paying twice the dues. Then we could all have more beer. Wouldn't more beer for everyone be better than just more beer for you?
Ani: Carl! I'll pay for all the beer myself. Let's just start this.
Jane: Well, it isn't a particularly complex song, but it's pretty enough.
Wayne: I think it's very complex. It's obviously written from the perspective of a closeted gay man.
Jane: ...it is?
Ani: No, no, Wayne. That's silly. It's very clearly about a straight white male dominating the wombyn in his life, even from a thousand miles away. "It's what you do to me"? Please. It's a story as old as the Bible. Just another man trying to blame all of his woes on a wombyn. "Oh, wah, she made me eat the apple, God." "I couldn't help myself; look at the way she was dressed." It makes me sick!
Victor: I dunno. I think this repressed sexuality idea has some merit to it. But, I'd say that instead of him longing for another man, he's actually pining after his mother. As he's talking about "paying the bills" with his guitar, he's clearly trying to step into the role of his own father, who failed in his own eyes. Delilah is clearly a stand-in for his own mother.
Carl: All right, I got two pitchers to start us off. And just in time, too! Victor, you're missing the point again. This has nothing to do with sex at all. It's entirely about the economics of the situation. He's lamenting the society which has forced him to be so far from Delilah. He wants to support the two of them and yet can't. It's beautiful, really.
Jacques: You're all making this far too complicated.
Jane: Thank you, Jacques! I agree entirely.
Jacques: You're assuming that it's a love song, when there's nothing to imply that at all.
Jane: ...there isn't?
Jacques: You need to stop and ask yourself, why do you think it's a love song? He only mentions "love" once and it's in reference to her falling in love with him. He may not care for her at all.
Jane: But, I mean, it sounds so sweet. He wants to see her...
Jacques: Does he? Does he really, Jane? Instead of bogging ourselves down with these details, we should step back and look at the big picture. Note the dichotomy he's created between the distance and yet how close he feels to her, but circumstances require them to stay apart for now.
Carl: Due to the pressures of a capitalist society.
Victor: And his mother.
Wayne: Because he's gay!
Ani: He can't commit.
Jacques: Ah, see, it doesn't matter why. Whatever "why" there is will simply be meaning that we've inserted into it. Clearly, our focus should instead be on the contrast. Now, if we changed the song so that it was a young shepherd boy in 1937 Austria singing to an Italian castrato...
Jane: ...er...
Jacques: The contrast would still be there, even if the reasons were different! See? This transcends circumstances. It is, in fact, a metaphor for the futility of life.
Carl: I couldn't disagree more. Do away with the societal pressures of him having to sacrifice his artistic integrity to support her, not to mention her limited options for education...
Wayne: He doesn't even want to really be with her. He's happy about the distance. Does it sound like a sad song? No. Obviously, he's happy about having her a thousand miles away. She makes a good excuse not to date.
Ani: I could almost agree with Jacques on this one, though I'd say it's more about the futility of heterosexual relationships, rather than life.
Victor: I think you're all projecting your own neuroses onto this one.
Jane: I think it's, you know, about a guy whose girlfriend is going to school far away and he misses her, but he's hopeful that everything is going to turn out all right.
Jacques: That is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
Victor: Now can we discuss the penis envy present in "Big Girls Don't Cry"?

Your Song

2007-07-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

When I was teenager, I knew a boy. For the sake of privacy, let's call him "D." He was in a band, which isn't all that surprising. I've only ever dated one guy who wasn't in some way musically inclined and he turned out gay. Coincidence? I think not.

Anyway.

D wrote a song about me that was meant to be the sort of romantic pantie dropper that teenage musicians strive for. He failed, as it was actually vaguely insulting and misogynistic. I still wasted far too much time with him, though, and it took me a long time to grasp that if he wrote a song that bad about me, it indicated something about the way he saw me and romance in general.

At around the same time, there was another boy I knew, "F." As far as I know, F never wrote a song about me and if he did, I shudder to think of what it would be like. F did, however, provide me with MP3s and a mix CD. There was a whole lot of Bryan Adams in all of this and he said that, to him, Bryan Adams' music was a blueprint for romance.

Musical taste aside, there was a lot of truth in this, though I'm not sure how aware of the realities surrounding his musical tastes F was. He didn't find a song that described his current relationship. Instead, he tried to fit his relationships into what he thought was quintessentially romantic. Like a baby gosling fresh from its egg, he'd imprinted on Bryan Adams. As a result, his relationships have, in fact, reflected Bryan Adams' music, oddly enough.

I think that a lot of people do this, whether it's with music, poetry, movies or some other sort of "blueprint for romance." At some point in our lives we get this idea about what a relationship should be like and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to fit every relationship into that mold. For me, it's "Your Song" by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. No sweeping orchestra, no horrific hyperbole. Hell, the narrator of the song can't even remember what color his lover's eyes are! It's just simple and sweet. It's far from the most passionate song out there, but that's what works for me. There's very little drama, but a warm happiness all the same.

Now, I wonder about the practical applications of my musical theory of relationships. If I'd applied it to D, I might have realized what an ass he was earlier. If I'd applied it to the non-musically inclined guy I might have recognized that he was in the closet. No straight man should look to Britney Spears to encapsulate romance. Actually, nobody should period. If I asked what everyone's favorite romantic song was on the first meeting, maybe I'd weed out a lot of incompatible people. Or, at the very least, I'd get an amusing glimpse of someone else's thought process.

So what's your song?

Savage Aural Hotbed

2007-07-13T12:43:00.001-07:00

Long has the debate waged regarding what it would sound like if cavemen fought Japanese robots. Finally, thanks to Savage Aural Hotbed, we know.

I'd been completely unaware of these guys until 07/07/07 when I went to a concert at Anathoth Farm. Due to my impeccable directions not being heeded by our driver (or, perhaps, our impeccable driver being unable to understand my directions), we got there later than we'd intended. Since I'd been mostly interested in seeing Floydian Slip and we pulled into the field designated for parking just as their set finished, I was sort of disappointed. Buckwheat Zydeco was going to come on at eleven and that was fairly promising, but in between there was just this bunch of guys I'd never heard of before from the Twin Cities. They were Savage Aural Hotbed, which was described as being "Industrial."

Looking around at the half-naked hippy chicks, the giant hoola hoops, and the preponderance of dreadlocks, I was a bit confused about what they'd be doing at the farm. They were introduced as being "all percussion" and my fears grew. Was this going to be some sort of horrific, Industrial version of the Blue Man Group?

The second they started playing, though, all of my doubts evaporated on the spot. The sound was loud. It was heavy. It was also, frankly, awesome. Influenced by Japanese Taiko drumming, they combined the sounds of beaten wood with bass guitar, barrels, springs, saws and grinders. The power tools sent off showers of sparks. The instruments sang with all the finesse of operatic divas. It was a strange mix of primitive and futuristic that had influences from across the globe, but didn't really sound like anything else I'd ever heard before.

Listening to the way they beat out their rhythms and turned the screeches of coils and drills into notes, I was left awed that something so downright weird could sound so right. These are sounds of destruction, of the warranties on power tools being voided left and right, but they're melded with the warm sound of wooden drums and rhythms that quite often beg for dancing.

Their most recent album, The Unified Pounding Theory, is available now. I'd heartily recommend it to anyone who's willing to try something a little bit weird.

Picture provide by www.savageauralhotbed.com

Brandon Flowers Is an Idiot

2007-07-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

I love the Killers. I love their music. I even think Brandon Flowers is pretty cute. However, he seems to work very, very hard at annoying the entire world.

The August issue of the UK GQ just came out and in it is an interview with Brandon. In the midst of the interview, there's this exchange:

Precisely how hip-hop are you?
I like it more than emo music, if that's what you mean. I don't necessarily have a problem with the culture of hip-hop; it's the hypocrisy of people within it that I can't bare [sic]. Look at Ice Cube now, for example. He's in some awful kid's movie, playing happy families with a couple of ten-year-olds. This is the man who was one of the founding members of NWA. I just don't get the turnaround.

Aside from the fact that the copy editors at GQ seem to be confused about the difference in meaning between "bare" and "bear" (what, is Flowers incapable of stripping hypocrisy naked?), Brandon doesn't know what hypocrisy is. Oh, I find Ice Cube's movies pretty annoying, too, but there isn't anything hypocritical about them, as I don't recall NWA's hit single "I Hate Kid's Movies and Will Never Be in One." Yeah, Ice Cube has written some pretty violent lyrics in the past, but that doesn't somehow make him a hypocrite for being involved in family entertainment now. The two things are entirely unrelated.

I mean, that'd be like saying some guy is a hypocrite for writing songs such as "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine" or "Midnight Show" about killing women and then, you know, marrying some chick and having a family. The two aren't mutually exclusive and have nothing to do with hypocrisy.

Icky Thump

2007-07-11T08:05:00.001-07:00

[Icky Thump cover, picture credited to Autumn de Wilde.]

Is it actually possible to be a pimp and a prostitute, too? Why do redheaded women have it out for Jack White? Can you really turn the effect into the cause? These are the deep, philosophical questions that the White Stripes new album Icky Thump will make you ponder.

Well, they might if you're stoned while listening to it, anyway.

I pretty much fell in love with the album from the first few chords of the title track, though there isn't a single other song on the album that sounds even vaguely like it. This is a good thing, in my opinion. The album works as a whole, but there's no unified sound theory driving it. Their cover of Conquest has a delicious mariachi twist, while Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn is very obviously going for a Scottish theme. They're not going to shock you unless you're completely unfamiliar with the duo, but they won't bore you, either.

My main complaint about the Stripes has always been the lyrics. While I love listening to Jack sing, what he's singing about is pretty secondary to how it sounds. Which hardly makes a song unworthy to listen to. I'd rather go for a lyrically weak song that sounds good than somebody's political treatise set to a triangle and bongos. Unless the drummer is really good, anyway. The fact that the lyrics are a little more complex than usual without sacrificing the music helped a lot with this album and are why this is probably going to end up being my favorite White Stripes album of all.

As I really have no great passion for the Raconteurs--Jack White's new band--this album gives me a special sort of joy. The classic elements of the Stripes are all here, but it doesn't sound like fan service to try to wring a few more dollars out of our pockets. It truly sounds like it was a hell of a lot of fun to record. Years of experience have added a robustness to their sound that was lacking in the early days, but it doesn't have the cynical, formulaic vibe that might be expected from a group that was essentially entirely defunct last year.

This is the audio equivalent of hooking back up with your hot ex-boyfriend. You know each other. It's comfortable and fun, with the added bonus of him having learned a few new tricks since last time.

Age over Beauty

2007-07-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

[The Skids, picture credited to Dennis Morris.]

I doubt popular culture has ever been more youth obsessed than it is now. When the Beatles first became popular in America they were seen as extremely youthful, despite being in their early to mid-twenties. Nowadays, that's bordering on retirement for pop stars. When Logan's Run was being adapted to the screen, producers were concerned that they wouldn't be able to find enough young actors to play a world where everyone commits suicide before 21. They changed the cut-off point for the characters to 30, so that they could get actors who had the necessary experience. If they were remaking that movie today, there'd be no problem casting a bunch of actors who at least look under 21. Of course, nobody today acknowledges that along with crow's feet age gets you experience and finesse that you generally lack in your youth.

Being in my twenties, I've generally been most interested in the bands and performances that appeal to my generation. I listen to and love stuff from the '80s and '70s, but the concerts I've been to have, generally speaking, been younger artists. And, really, there's rarely been a live performance that I didn't love in one way or another. But the few older groups that I've seen always amaze me.

Watching The Who in Vegas was beyond description. I was up in the nosebleed section, but it didn't really matter to me. Where the bands I was into at the time got most of their stage presence from twirling about and flashing lights, these guys just had to step onto the stage and every eye was on them. They had presence. They had a confidence that can't be faked with youthful cockiness.

Even better than that, though, was The Skids at T in the Park 2007. My God, people. There were some talented people there, but nothing else could compare to the Skids. Days later, I'm still in awe. All I did was watch it on the computer and it was still better than the majority of live performances I've been to. Part of it was that this was their farewell performance. With founding member Stuart Adamson dead and the band having officially dissolved back in '82, chances are good that Richard Jobson will live up to his word and never play with the group again. But, it wasn't just the passion of never coming together as a group on stage again that drove them. There was that same easy confidence and skill that had put me in awe as a teenager when I saw the Who. Wearing t-shirts and jeans and looking older than my parents, all they had to do was be there on stage.

Most musicians, in my opinion, probably don't even hit their stride until they're in their thirties anyway. A good voice doesn't develop completely until the mid- to late-twenties, after all. If they're not a manufactured product and actually had to work for recognition, it'll take years before the band starts showing up on the radio. But, this fact is generally disguised a bit. Nobody wants attention drawn to the fact that everybody in AFI is over thirty, because the people who buy their albums are, for the most part, under eighteen. So we have all of these bands in their late twenties or thirties who are dressing and acting like teenagers, so the kids don't realize that they're listening to--gasp--adults. It's pretty bizarre when you get right down to it. A teenager recently told me that The Killers were "old" and so she didn't listen to them. Old? Child, the lead-singer is five years younger than anybody in any of your favorite bands. Trying to keep everything as young as possible and masking it when it's embarrassingly mature does us no favors at all.

I can't help but wonder what bands that have been doing the festival circuit this summer will still be playing in twenty-five years. Can we imagine Gerard Way fronting an MCR reunion in a white t-shirt and gray hair? Probably not. The guy just turned 30, after all. It's probably time to bring in the Sandmen.

Brandon Fits the Brando Mold?

2007-07-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

[Brandon Flowers and Rufus Wainwright, picture courtesy of Matt Miner.]

"He is so sexy yet so unhappy and also somewhat sane and crazy at the same time. I haven't met anyone who quite fits the Brando mould as much as he does immediately. There's this dark, moody, restless, annoyed but compassionate figure that's sucking up all the energy out of the room." - Rufus Wainwright, on why he wrote the song "Tulsa" about Brandon Flowers.

The story goes that Rufus was out after a concert and he got turned away from a gay bar for not having his ID on him. He found himself another bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma and who should arrive while he's there but the Killers. He didn't get to know Brandon, the frontman of the Killers, too well that night, but was apparently a bit taken with what he saw of Mr. Flowers. When the song was written, the encounter in Tulsa was the first and only time the two had ever met.

The lyrics of the song in question:

You taste of potato chips in the morning
Your face has the Marlon Brando club calling
And who would have thought that I'd owe it all to Tulsa?
And that fat guy with the green shirt that we both signed together
Once he hears the song, won't live it down forever

Your suit was the whitest thing since you-know-who
I fear that that savior I mentioned may be you
And who would have thought that I'd owe it all to Tulsa?
And that poor girl who waited in the rain for hours to meet me (not you, baby!)
Once she hears that song, won't live it down completely

And I owe it all to Tulsa, Oklahoma
This is just a reminder of the antique shop that I want to go back to and visit when it's open
In Tulsa, Oklahoma
Just in case you don't appreciate this song about you!

With Rufus being openly gay and Brandon the posterboy for metrosexuality, it's unsurprising that there are rumors the song was inspired by some sort of tryst. That potato chips line really makes you wonder. But, if Brandon is in the closet it's pretty doubtful that Rufus had anything going on with him. Mr. Wainwright has stated before that he doesn't think outing people against their will is a very ethical thing to do.

The whole Brando thing that Rufus mentions is pretty easy to see and it's rather obviously been alluded to before in photoshoots with Brandon:

Rufus has mentioned that he's waiting for a response from Brandon regarding the song. Since both of them were at T in the Park in Scotland yesterday, I'm wondering if they ever had a second meeting?